the room i've always wanted

White walls, black stone steps, white framed windows and sliding doors, a balcony, raised wooden floor, an empty studio which walls could be painted and repainted, working on things I like. Maybe someday.

'Contemporary Archeology Chapter Two',

Sigi Arts, Blok M, Kebayoran Baru, South Jakarta.

Better preview of the sketch.

My friend's shots of the exhibition.

This exhibition on the gallery's website.

tolerance

Seeing the sad condition of this country lately when a relatively minor religious issues are potentially triggering bloody conflicts has sicken me. I am, as I've always stated, not a religious person. However as a human, seeing other people killed for choosing or even simply being something that is not the same as popular commons makes me really wonder, and finally relate to this elementary school thing which always repeated on and on every year as we can find in the Civics subject: Inter-religious tolerance.

I recently feel there is something wrong with the phrase. Something has lost in translation while fully understanding the meaning of the word 'tolerate'. It has the sense that something or someone is the normal and the truest of all things, and s/he lets the other who is outside her/his normal do things by her/his authority. At one point when s/he can not tolerate anymore, bad things will follow.

Here are the definitions of the word 'tolerate' I found in my computer's dictionary:

tolerate |ˈtäləˌrāt|

verb [ trans. ]

allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference : a regime unwilling to tolerate dissent.

• accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance : how was it that she could tolerate such noise?

• be capable of continued subjection to (a drug, toxin, or environmental condition) without adverse reaction : lichens grow in conditions that no other plants tolerate.

Let me give you a case of tolerance. Someday in school, you had a math lesson. This teacher gave you a task to do ten complicated questions to be solved in 30 minutes. Apparently, the task is too hard for you that you couldn't finish it on time. So your teacher gave you ten minutes tolerance, wishing her/his students would finish the task. Your teacher didn't mean to respect you when s/he gave you time tolerance. It was simply because you couldn't meet her/his standard when doing the given work. In other words, you were not 'the normal' of your teacher. What if the teacher couldn't tolerate you? S/he will be very angry about this.

Other example is when you say 'I will not tolerate erratic behavior.' It indicates that there are some acts that other people do, but those acts do not meet your custom or idealism, and in some way you can not deal with them. 'Erratic' itself means 'not even or regular in pattern or movement'. The word doesn't even mean a bad thing. Only something not regular.

It is clear for me now why some people will not just let their friends -fellow human- live peacefully with their own virtue. I guess we are miseducated, being told that we are the truest, while other people with other preferences are just within our tolerance. So what is wrong with people with other religious believes than you? As long as they don't scar your being and way of life, they shall not be merely tolerated. They shall be RESPECTED for whatever their believes are. If you can not respect other people's choice, whereas her/his choice is legal and clearly stated in this country's constitution, then how will you respect other aspect of life?

night sketching

Go here for a better preview.

superconsumersim

Maybe Lunar New Year (along with Christmas, Eid ul-Fitr, Easter, and even Mother Day) has lost its true meaning. It is now just a theme for every mall's decoration and discount season.

Happy Lunar New Year anyway :)

what else would you want?

A weekend, a peaceful small town, almost impossibly cheap yet delicious meals, bright weather, the sand and salty water, the blue sky, a great group of companion; a beach of our own. What else would you want?

P.S.: She's surely a great photographer. See her shots of this trip here.

P.P.S.: My picture with the dog is hers.

cliche

cli·ché

–noun

1. a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase,usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse.

2. (in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.

3. anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.

[found this at the Faculty of Art and Design, Institut Teknologi Bandung]

someday we will meet again

Dear friend,

I read your blog yesterday. Yes, the old posts you wrote. Very thoughtful and beautiful. They reminded me of those days of twenty-something talks. Premature but somehow brilliant thoughts about life, the culture, the surroundings.. Restless minds questioning every single thing on earth: the causes and consequences.

Funny to look back how we became a friend. We were the opposite of each other, we came from extremely different backgrounds, yet we shared so many similarities. We have relatively same generalizations on things. I will never regret all conversations and discussions we did, and I thank you for all knowledge and motivation. It is your writings that encourage me to keep writing. Also for the good times and (mostly) depressive times.

I saw you when you were disappointed and finally lost your faith. I know how it feels and none of us want to go back to that time. Now that you've found your decision of what you're going to do, go for it. Wash away the sadness, throw away your fear. I've learned that in some way it is okay to not knowing what you will be in life, as long as you like what you're doing now.

I imagine myself sketching lot of things, reading lot of books, writing lot of transcripts, and I have no idea what profession it is. I believe, in your very rich and colorful mind, you have a vision of what you'll be doing in life, without necessarily naming it. I believe, you will be good in your future field.

So long my friend, someday we will meet again with great stories from each of us. Wishing you wonderful adventures, like what you've always dreamed.

a coward

New year, new year. I hope it's not too late to deliriously talk about resolution. Well. I'm not about to write down a list of aims or things I wish to be.

Anyway. Resolution is actually a promise to one's self that s/he will do or not do something, or a target -may it be a simple one or a more complex thing, merely for fun or truly as an urgency for its possible consequences- that someone needs to accomplish. By any means, resolution supposed to give hope and motivation to whoever wishing it. The thoughts and energy in pursuing resolutions should be positive. But, after a long way of efforts and when you finally reach your goal, what's next?

My last list of resolution was back in 2004, in high school. Back then, I wrote every single thing I wanted that I thought would make me happy. I did meet most of my wishes, but I never imagined any chain of details following them years later, nor the gruesome uncertainty of the life after it. It was revealed that being happy at one moment is not equal the ultimate happiness of my entire life, although once I thought it would be.

This is what I call a phase of life. It takes time for realization and it costs us frustration. Or else, it may be just (another) twenty-something hesitation without any knowledge on how to cure it.

Ever since, I stopped making resolutions related to my future life or career. I think I'm not ready to face another disappointment. Yes, I am a coward. For now, I only wish for two things this year: [1] a Yamaha Silent Guitar SLG-100s; and [2] to drink more beer. And I will need this damn cool wallet for the last thing I mentioned:

image source

life crisises

If you are in your mid 20s, physically fit but you feel like you're emotionally unstable, mentally distracted, intellectually disrespected, financially insecure although you know you aren't that bad but anyway everything just seems wrong, then you are in your quarter life crisis. And if you think this situation is truly depressing, try mid life crisis.

His name is Pak Samiran, aged early 40s. He is in the army, but doesn't serve as a soldier -you know, the war and weapon things. Instead, he serves as a driver. Not a tank driver as you might imagine: he's just a driver; a driver of someone whose position is way much higher than him. Which means, he drives for his master's wife, children, and also friends of children -now that, includes me. And this was what happened:

Due to my best friend's wedding, I needed to take care of everything entrusted to me, but my friend insisted that I should not drive. So I ended up being a passenger of the committed driver, Pak Samiran. Two days were really enough for me to know general things that matters to him. On his age, he feels embarrassed about his job, which was why he tried his fortune to level up his position in the army, which he failed.

Not that being a driver is a bad thing, but we never really know what's inside someone's mind. He might not be aware that everybody else might be very thankful to have a driver like him. For him, he's just another looser. And he continued to sigh and told me his worries over his life, although he endlessly tried to accept whatever he got. Then he started to compare himself to other people who has succeed (mostly financially) in her/his relatively young age, and told me when he was at my age, he felt the most happiest since he was still single, free, weightless and reckless.

Despite his sadness and anxiety, he reminded me to not only look up, but also look down. You may feel so unfortunate but you have to realize, that hundreds or thousands people aren't luckier than you; they may even be poorer and pitier. So be thankful anyway.

I figured out, he's in a severe mid life crisis. And I foolishly thought being 20something is hard enough.

So, say hi to mid life crisis, I guess, some twenty years later.

January 1st, 2011

Hello, Mbak Wanda.

I found it amazing how the days guide us to meet certain, specific people; and it becomes more amazing to know that they are the really right persons to help us keep our life going.

We were in the same high school, also the same university, and nobody will understand why we met and became friends only a couple years ago. I can not explain neither why the quality of our friendship feels like home, at least for me. It is like finding an old buddy with whom I grew up together, although we didn't; a friend who won't change and accept me whoever I am, however bad I am. The friend who made me believe that blessings do exist. All these somehow changed my perception on time and life.

And I still have no idea how I ended up working together with your 'real' old friends, the ones that you call 'your inner circle'; the really best friends of yours. I am honored that you trust me for the big things on your big day.

Happy wedding Mbak Wanda and Mas Suryo. Happy starting a new family on a new year. From now on, you are no longer a wandering 'flying kid'. You are grown up. You have soared into the air, sharing goodness to your surroundings, and I do hope they go back to you and your future family.

I have a good feeling about this year. Hopefully.

Have a wonderful life :)

P.S.: this is the scenic view from room 844 you've requested to tag.

welcome 2011

*I supposed to post this yesterday, but the lame connection on new year's eve and a very busy day on January 1st delayed the greeting.

Happy New Year.

P.S.: it's one of the neighbor's firework.

a little talk to myself

Last new year's eve, I thought that 2010 would be just another year. I had no idea 2010 would be a complicated one, and to be honest, I kinda feel overwhelmed. My careless mind sometimes think, what I've been through this year maybe more than another 23 years of my life, compiled into one. Too many bad news, ironies, life intrigues, mood changes, all went together with good news and hopes. I saw a lot, I learned a lot, but I realized that all these things may not be the biggest. Still, I haven't seen that much, and should learn more.

2010 goes really fast. I'd like to think, that these are another phase of life; a timeline which let me experience the world out there, accompanying me to grow older and wiser to finally live my own life maturely.

merry christmas

sketch another way

a raincoat

Someday, in a very heavy rainy season, you need a raincoat. You know someone who sells raincoats, telling you that she has any kind of clothes you need. You waited for days and suddenly she came out with a statement: "sorry, I don't have the raincoat. Would you like a jacket?" Tempted with the good design of the jacket, and a consideration that a jacket will also warm and protect you from the rain, you bought it. Guess what? It doesn't protect you from heavy rains.

You still need a raincoat.

20.10.2010

surreal

How does it feel to read this horrible news? And what if it happened to someone you know? What if you had to witness his dead body for the last time in its most terrible, unexpected shape just to make sure it was him?

How does it feel to be his friend? Family, parents and brothers?

I feel surreal. And dizzy.

visual note-taking

rest in peace

The funny thing about having so many relatives is that you won't recognize all of them. Once you gather, you'll be confused: who is who, which cousin is what, which in law is who, who is that? More over, once you met them again one day after years, you will fail to track the who-ness of who.

My cousin passed away last Friday and you will be surprised to know that she's 61. I'm 23. She was my cousin.

Rest in Peace, Mbak Nanik.

greeting cards

So these are probably the cutest things I've ever done in my life. And that birthday card was not made for a 5 years old little kid. It was in fact for a friend whose age is almost twice mine.